30 weeks one day

thought id give a heads up even tho no one sees this but me lol
i like to make myself feel special sometimes thinking people do look. oh well lol
10 more weeks....holy shit.

When reality sets in.

I woke up at 3 this morning to go use the bathroom.I looked at myself in the mirror and it just hit me. Your going to have 2 kids. Your going to have to go thru sleepless nights, teething, stress of a new baby plus a 3 year old. wtf was i thinking?? im only 20!!! i know me and ray both said we wanted a baby but when i told him i wanted to wait...i got pregnant. what am i supposed to do about that? cant do anything.  im pregnant and cant change it now. i mean im happy and excited but im scared...and thinking how the fuck and i going to do this? its hitting me really hard, I know what my friend kayla was talking about now. like wow...im about to have 2 kids...how the hell am i going to do this? :/

depression.

been diagnosed with severe depression when i was 12. sometimes its good. sometimes like now its bad...i just feel useless. like i do everything wrong. like everything i wear even looks bad. i feel trashy and gross. i feel like a bad person all together. feel like giving up but i know i cant...when they say depression hurts, it really does...

wow forgot i had this. things have changed since i last been on.

like saturday..had plans to spend the weekend with my husband, something i never get to do. he said he was going to be gone for an hour at most. he was gone 8 hours drinking....got me so upset i ended up taking it out on myself before he got home :/ i got bruises on my arms legs and face. looks like i was in a slayer mosh pit. all i done to myself...the baby is ok..i have alot of problems and he just set me off and i lost it. the lowest i ever got...

im 29 weeks today anyways on a better note. going to the doctors later for a glucose test. getting signed up in WIC thursday. waiting on food stamps.
after gavin is born, prolly next year sometime ill be going to school to be a pharmacy tech. its not what i dreamed of doing but it makes good money so why not?