I hate myself. I hate feeling inadequate to other skinny prettier girls. why cant i be happy just being me?
well why ask. i know that answer.
because of my husband.
because he adds all these skinny girls and likes all their pix and text them all the time.
thats all he does..
makes me feel ugly and like im not good enough or anything...i fucking hate my life.

30 weeks one day

thought id give a heads up even tho no one sees this but me lol
i like to make myself feel special sometimes thinking people do look. oh well lol
10 more weeks....holy shit.

When reality sets in.

I woke up at 3 this morning to go use the bathroom.I looked at myself in the mirror and it just hit me. Your going to have 2 kids. Your going to have to go thru sleepless nights, teething, stress of a new baby plus a 3 year old. wtf was i thinking?? im only 20!!! i know me and ray both said we wanted a baby but when i told him i wanted to wait...i got pregnant. what am i supposed to do about that? cant do anything.  im pregnant and cant change it now. i mean im happy and excited but im scared...and thinking how the fuck and i going to do this? its hitting me really hard, I know what my friend kayla was talking about now. like wow...im about to have 2 kids...how the hell am i going to do this? :/

depression.

been diagnosed with severe depression when i was 12. sometimes its good. sometimes like now its bad...i just feel useless. like i do everything wrong. like everything i wear even looks bad. i feel trashy and gross. i feel like a bad person all together. feel like giving up but i know i cant...when they say depression hurts, it really does...

wow forgot i had this. things have changed since i last been on.

like saturday..had plans to spend the weekend with my husband, something i never get to do. he said he was going to be gone for an hour at most. he was gone 8 hours drinking....got me so upset i ended up taking it out on myself before he got home :/ i got bruises on my arms legs and face. looks like i was in a slayer mosh pit. all i done to myself...the baby is ok..i have alot of problems and he just set me off and i lost it. the lowest i ever got...

im 29 weeks today anyways on a better note. going to the doctors later for a glucose test. getting signed up in WIC thursday. waiting on food stamps.
after gavin is born, prolly next year sometime ill be going to school to be a pharmacy tech. its not what i dreamed of doing but it makes good money so why not?

Sprained my ankle. At least i can still walk on it. Its swollen like i dont know though :P Not too fun. and this icy hot..is kinda hot..or cold? i dont know but it dont feel nice -_-

Just made this for Gavin! Cost about 15 bucks all together :) got some cloth like scrap book paper from hobby lobby, some cardboard cut out letters and a felt dino form the dollar tree. I Used elmers glue and spread it on the letters with a small paintbrush and layed the paper on them. Waited for it to dry then used scissors to cut the excess. I hot glues the dino and letters to the wall above the crib. Yea i hot glued my wall but we live in a 40 year old double wide its been thru hell lol, In a regular house i suggest heavy duty double sided tape or drill a small hole in the back and use nails. I love it! :D

proud of my work ^-^